When Your House Is Not a Home
By Bishop Rick Wallace
I want to be very lucid in presenting the fact that I do not
write, teach, or preach from a platform of perfection. As a man I have made mistakes, and those
mistakes have at times come at the expense of others. I have tasted the bitter waters of divorce
and staggered through the storm of relational dysfunctionality. I know what it feels like to have children
who are trapped between their love for their parents and the fact that mom and
dad are no longer seeing things eye to eye.
No, I don’t write to you this day from the lonely island of perfection,
but from the transformed heart of a man of God.
This being the most preeminent of truths: That only through complete
surrender to God’s “will” for your life can you find true joy, contentment, and
stability in marriage.
As we move forward, we will explore God’s will for marriage,
marriage’s function as an institution, God’s role in the home, and lastly, what
happens when your house is not a home. A
great deal of what will be addressed will be directed toward men because it is
my belief that too many men have fallen away from their God ordained duties,
creating a void and an imbalance in the function of the home and many other
areas of society. It is now that the
clarion is sounding. God is calling men
to resume their positions as leaders, providers, protectors, and enablers.
This does not, by any means, excuse our Christian women from
walking into their callings and ambling into their destinies. I know that you have been hurt; I know that
you have been disappointed; I know that you have been left with the burden of
being a single parent. Your trust and
faithfulness has been repaid with disloyalty, malevolence, and abandonment;
however, there is still reason to press on.
God is still in control, I know its been strenuous and arduous, yet, on
behalf of every man that deemed it acceptable to procreate and then abandon his
progeny, for every man that assumed it satisfactory behavior to be physically
or emotionally abusive, for every man that thought it to be the proper course
of action to tread upon your dreams, I personally apologize. Yes, you have been hurt, but now its time to
let go and move forward. It is time to
rise up and be all that you were created to be.
Men of Power I have not forgotten you. Yes, there are some
of you out there that stand strong in your filial responsibilities. There are
some of you that refuse to leave your family behind. There are some of you that
walk in their God ordained destinies. For those of you that fall into this
category, we need your example to shine vividly in this world of diminishing Christian
influence.
He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. (Col 1:17)
"Now, Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with
the glory which I had with You before the world was. (Joh
17:5)
And He is the radiance of His glory and the exact representation of
His nature, and upholds all things by the word of His power. When He had made
purification of sins, He sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, (Heb 1:3)
These scriptural passages reveal the fact that Christ has
existed eternally and that all things consist in Him. This means that all things are sustained and
held together by Christ; this includes the institutions of marriage and family,
as well as the home in general.
Knowledge of this truth is of massive importance. First, it establishes the foundation on which
marriages and families are built and sustained; Without Christ in the forefront
it is impossible to initiate, cultivate, and sustain any relationship. Secondly, in time of distance, indifference
separation, and even abandonment, the knowledge of Christ’s sustaining power
carries you through. So, again I stress
that the points made here must be examined in the light of Christianity (as
outlined in the Bible) and the acknowledgement of a sovereign God. Outside of this prospective, one tends to
lean toward human viewpoint and logical resolutions to spiritual issues. No matter how a problem manifests itself in
the physical realm of reality, its source is always of a spiritual nature.
For as Paul injects
this truth, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against
principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,
against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph. 6:12).” In 2
Cor. 10:3, he iterates, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war
according to the flesh.” The enemy has
wreaked immeasurable havoc on the Christian name simply because we did not
sense his presence.
God’s Way or Yours
Contrary to secular paradigms, there are only two ways of
approaching life; God’s way or mans way.
There are no middle grounds, no place of compromise, or situational
exceptions. When I say this, I am not speaking of religious of legalistic
rigidity, but a yield to the will of God through love, honor, and reverence.
God establishes through
the prophet Isaiah that his ways and thoughts are above ours.
"For
My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares
the LORD. "For as the heavens are
higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts
than your thoughts. (Isa 55:8,9)
17For the desires of the flesh are opposed to the [Holy] Spirit, and the [desires of the] Spirit are opposed to the flesh (godless human nature); for these are antagonistic to each other [continually withstanding and in conflict with each other], so that you are not free but are prevented from doing what you desire to do.” (Galatians 5:16-17)
When a person is perpetually functioning between the two
states I call this state of mind spiritual schizophrenia (a state characterized by the coexistence of contradictory or incompatible elements). A spiritual schizophrenic is capricious in
his thoughts and vacillating in his actions and beliefs, in fact, the Word
tells us that he is unstable in all his ways.
Every relationship, including marriage, must be entered with
the understanding of God’s will. One of
the greatest destructive forces known to marriage or any other relationship,
for that matter, is self-determination.
So many of us have entered into relationships that God has not ordained,
but we are determined to have nonetheless.
All the signs are there, but we choose to ignore the obvious. If he or she is married, it is probably a
good sign that he or she is not the one God has for you. If he or she is involved in illicit behavior,
there’s probably a good chance that they are not the one. The list of tells is extensive, but the
result is the same — Operating outside of the will of God means operating
outside the blessings of God. Allow me
to make myself painfully clear, you cannot operate outside God’s will and have
the audacity to expect God to bless and prosper your willful disobedience. You can’t take something that does not belong
to you and ask God to bless it. If fact, you can expect to incur a curse for
your disobedience (This is addressed in my treatise Covered by Covenant).
With that being said, I must for the sake of doctrinal
accuracy, point to the fact that there is no sin that Christ’s magnanimous work
on Calvary did not expiate. 1 John 1:9 tells us that if we confess our sins,
God is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness.
What this means is that when we repent of our sins and confess them before God,
He will forgive and cleanse us of the guilt and stain of that sin. There are
those that will ask why mention this provision. They will postulate that it
promotes sin. I would answer, “Doctrine must be taught in accuracy and balance.
We weight our teachings in correspondence to our personal views on certain
issues, leaving those we teach with distorted views and inadequately equipped
to live the Christian life. This is a disservice to those we teach and a
dereliction of duty on our part. Every provision of God’s plan of grace has a
purpose and should not be overlooked or denied. So even when one enters into a
relationship that has not been ordained by God, God himself, when sincerely
approached through repentance and confession, will sanctify that relationship.
The Proper Connection
Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with
lawlessness? And what communion has
light with darkness? (2 Cor. 6:14)
Though
this exhortation extends beyond the institution of marriage, it most definitely
applies. We are not to enter into
binding or covenant relationships with those who perpetuate ungodly behavior. We are the dwelling place of our most holy
God and must live a life that honors and glorifies Him. In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, he
advises that a saved spouse can sanctify an unsaved spouse; “For the unbelieving husband is
sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through [h]her believing husband; for otherwise your children are
unclean, but now they are (L)holy (1 Cor. 7:14 NASB).
However, here he is speaking of a spouse who became saved
during the marriage, not before. Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not
the place for a fixer up mentality. What I mean by this is we have a proclivity
to think that we can reach out and bring someone into our lives and fix their
fallibilities in a manner that suits our desires and needs. Listen very closely
to what I am about to tell you. We can only enhance the potential of someone
else; we can never create it. Transformation is a human prerogative; it takes
the exercise of one’s volition to exact change. Too often we enter into
relationships thinking that we can impose our will on our mates and recreate
who they are. We see those attributes we are looking for in a mate and totally
ignore those characteristics that autonomously express doom.
The point I am making here is that it is of immense
importance the manner in which one enters marriage and with whom. This is not to limit God’s ability to
sanctify, but to bring to light the fact that God will not abandon His will to
appease yours. So in this instance, if
your house is not a home, it was not meant to be. Remember, God’s will is sovereign.
The Laws of Divine
Establishment
To truly comprehend the institution of marriage as well as
other divine institutions ordained by God, one must first grasp the necessity
for each. We must first understand that
God’s plan is eternal. Because God is
omniscient, He is never taken by surprise as it pertains to our actions; He is
never surprised by our transgressions.
God, in eternity past, designed a plan by which he would reconcile
fallen man to Himself.
Matthew 25:34 says, “Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit
the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
For we who have believed enter
that rest, just as He has said,
“(C)AS
I SWORE IN MY WRATH, THEY SHALL NOT ENTER MY REST,”
although His works were finished(D)from the foundation of the world. (Heb. 4:3 NASB)
We are told that certain things were kept secret from the
foundation of the world. The notion is
that because of His omniscience, coupled with His omnipotence, God does not
have to wait for us to slip into the pit of despair in order to plan our
escape. He has always known that we would fall and has already prepared a way
of escape. This, of course should provide a sense of solace, it should
establish a foundation of hope. It
should also alert your senses to the truth that there is nothing
inconsequential when it comes to a purpose in mind, as we will see. God is neither frivolous nor capricious in
his actions; there is always a purpose —no wasted motions.
Understanding the purpose will assist you in functioning
optimally within this system designed by God.
The laws of Divine Establishment are ensconced within the
comprehensive expression of the Mosaic Law. The Mosaic Law is found
specifically in the books of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. The
Law is divided into three major division called codices:
Codex 1 is
the moral code known as the commandments. This set of rules consists of more
than 120 commandments including the Decalogue (also known as the Ten
Commandments Ex. 20:1-17; Deut. 5:6-21). Codex 1 establishes and clarifies the
moral codes that ultimately proved man is a sinner in need of salvation.
18 For (AD)if the inheritance is[aa]based
on law, it is no longer[ab]based
on a promise; but (AE)God has granted it to Abraham by means of a promise.
19 (AF)Why
the Law then? It was added [ac]because
of transgressions, having been(AG)ordained
through angels (AH)by
the [ad]agency
of a mediator, until(AI)the
seed would come to whom the promise had been made. 20Now (AJ)a
mediator is not [ae]for
oneparty only; whereas God is onlyone. 21 Is the Law then contrary to the
promises of God? (AK)May
it never be! For (AL)if
a law had been given which was able to impart life, then righteousness [af]would
indeed have been [ag]based
on law. 22 But the Scripture has (AM)shut
up[ah]everyone
under sin, so that the promise by faith in Jesus Christ might be given to those
who believe.23 But before faith came, we were kept in custody under the law,(AN)being shut up to the faith which was later to be revealed. 24Therefore the Law has become our(AO)tutor to lead us to Christ, so that (AP)we may be justified by faith. 25 But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a[ai](AQ)tutor. (Galatians 3:18-25 NASB)
Codex 1 Also provides the foundation for the laws of divine
establishment.
Codex 2 establishes the spiritual ordinances which are
shadows and types of Christ as the savior of the world. The ordinances produce
the shadows of Christology and soteriology.
For
the Law, since it has only a shadow of
the good things to come and not the very
form of things, can never, by the same sacrifices which they offer continually
year by year, make perfect those who draw near. (Heb. 10:1 NASB)
Codex 2 is inclusive of the Levitical Offerings, Holy Days,
Tabernacle and its functions, dress and modus operandi of the Levitical
Priesthood, and liturgy of worship of Israel.
Codex 3 establishes the social code and reveals and presents
the laws of divine establishment which are designed to protect freedom and
privacy for the entire whole of mankind, believers and non-believers alike.
This section of the law delineates the perfect standard for the function of the
national entity as well as dietary laws, laws of sanitation, quarantine, soil
conservation, taxation, military service, marriage, divorce and more. We find
that to insure the proper execution of the laws of divine establishment, God
designed four institutions through which the laws of divine establishment would
be perpetuated: the individual, the marriage, the family, and the nation.
How do the laws of divine establishment affect and apply to
the divine institutions? “God, in His
omniscience has always known that man would choose to sin and consequently
acquire a sin nature, giving him the unlimited potential to destroy himself and
negatively impact those around him. In
order to conserve, protect, and perpetuate the existence of the human race
throughout the history of this spiritual warfare some have dubbed the angelic
conflict, God instituted the laws of divine establishment. The laws of divine establishment are
principles and precepts that apply to both believers and nonbelievers
alike. The laws of this nation are based
upon the laws of divine establishment.
The laws of divine establishment protect life, stability, freedom,
possessions, and provide blessings. The
laws give greater weight to certain human possessions, such as, life and
freedom. An adherence to these laws
ensures prosperity in so many aspects of our lives.” (R.B. Thieme Jr. Freedom Through Military Victory)
This system of control functions under the umbrella of
legitimate authority. Legitimate
authority is authority ordained and delegated by God in which certain people
have responsibility and a particular scope or range of jurisdiction over other
members of society. Authority exists
both, in the temporal and spiritual realms, but the laws of divine
establishment only apply to the temporal realm.
The Laws of divine establishment can be reviewed in the books of Exodus
through Deuteronomy.
The Divine Institutions
In His infinite wisdom God ordained four divine institutions
through which the laws of divine establishment function: the individual, the marriage, the family, and
the national entity. The ordination,
existence, and perpetuation of these institutions are lucidly delineated and
symmetrically confirmed by scripture. God
has delegated a primary authority to function within each institution to insure
its optimal function: volition for the individual, the husband for marriage,
parents for the family, and government for the national entity. Each of these institutions were a part of
God’s plan before the beginning of time, but were revealed at different points
in History. The individual was ordained
with the creation of Adam in Geneses 1:26; marriage with the creation of the
woman in Genesis 2:23; family with the birth of the first child in Genesis 4:1;
the national entity with the formations of nations in Genesis 10:5. These four institutions encompass the entire
human race irrespective to race, religion, gender, social statutes, and all
other considerable factors.
The Individual
Though we, at some point, will discuss each of the divine
institutions, our primary focus here, is marriage. However, before we can apprehensively
navigate through the many corridors of marriage, we must first gain an
understanding of the function and responsibility of the institution of the
individual; the reason being that a functional marriage is the production of
two whole individuals uniting and becoming one.
One of the multitudinous quandaries of marriage is the individual who
attempts to enter marriage as a means of becoming whole, as a solution to their
brokenness, and as a substitute for the emptiness within. Before entering into the institution of
marriage, one must be confident in their identity in Christ. They must be functional, efficient, and
effective in their responsibility as an individual before stepping into the
massive responsibility and commitment of marriage. Marriage is not a cure all for those
problematic issues in your life, it is not the place to flee to in search of
healing for past hurts, it is a graduation of sorts for the person who has come
to a knowledge of self and can enter the bond of matrimony as an asset, not a
liability. Remember, we enter into
marriage as a contributor.
So, let us take a look at the function and responsibility of
the individual. The individual is the
initiator, the foundation on which the other institutions are built. So, it can
be said that the strength of any institution can only be as strong as the
individual functioning parts. You can’t
take a dysfunctional individual and plug him into a marriage and presume that
he will become functional even if the other partner is highly functional. The marriage, for all it’s worth, may seem to
be highly productive; the problem is one person is shouldering the burden. At some point, the lack of balance and
symmetry will cause a breakdown or collapse in some area. This is not to say that in marriage, one
partner at some point or another will not carry a disproportionate share of the
burden, however, this should not be characteristic of the relationship.
The first individual, Adam, was created by God, perfect, a
trichotomous being, existing of body, soul, and spirit. When he chose, through his own volition, to
disobey God and sin, he became dichotomous —existing of only body and soul,
having become spiritually dead. Adam
became spiritually dead, his spirit being replaced with a sin nature, the
genetic predisposition to sin. As we are his progeny, seminally present at the
fall, the sin nature has been genetically passed on to each of us through male
procreation, meaning we are all born spiritually dead.
“Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world,
and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all sinned
(through Adam). (Rom. 5:12 emphasis added)
Only through regeneration, which comes through faith in
Christ, can man be rendered trichotomous, spiritually alive. Notice, regeneration comes through a
volitional act of faith. The primary
authority for the individual is volition.
Volition provides the capacity for man to choose, and is a function of
the human will, which is controlled by the human soul. When the human volition is functioning
optimally, it functions under the rationale of the soul, not instinct or emotion.
Understanding the Power
of Volition
God’s Biblical mandates are always directed toward volition,
making volition a significant and influential force in this spiritual
warfare. The power of choice can never
be over estimated or overvalued. The
proper regulation of volition is paramount in the perpetuation of the Christian
lifestyle. We are commanded over and
over to choose. Choose to believe in
Christ, choose life or death, and choose to walk in the Spirit. Make no mistake, the choices you make carry
consequence.
So, what, ultimately is the function and responsibility of
the individual? The individual is to
display self-discipline, in consistently choosing to do what is required of him
by God. He is to live his life in the
awesome power of the Holy Spirit. He is
to walk in the confidence of his identity in Christ. The individual carries the greatest impact on
society, for he is not only the foundation for the other institutions, he is
also the only institution that directly impacts all others.
Confederate General, John Brown Gordon once said, “I am
reminded of the commonplace but important truth that the aggregate character of
a people of any country depends upon the personal character of its individual
citizens; and the individual, personal character of it’s people, than it does
upon any constitution that could be adopted or statutes that could be
enacted. What would safe guards be worth
if the character of the people did not sustain and enforce them?”
So, it’s
safe to say that what any individual takes into the bond of matrimony in the
form of character, integrity, fortitude, and potential has a monumental and
enduring impression upon that marriage. Being somewhat nebulous, a marriage is
only capable of producing to the limits and boundaries of its potential; that
potential is determined by the individual potential of those that enter this
bond of marriage.
The Marriage
As stated earlier, marriage is not a hiding place for a
troubled soul. It is not an arrangement
of convenience through which economic struggles may be confronted. It is not an expedient arrangement by which
the human race is propagated. No,
marriage is a divine institution ordained by God. It is meant to represent Christ’s love for
the church. When people look into the
Christian marriage they should see the reflection of God’s love —no
relationship bears more importance to social culture and the church than
marriage.
Listen to what Biblical scholar R.B. Thieme Jr. has to say
about the institution of marriage: “Marriage provides the structure for
stability in society, the foundation of civilization. God’s plan for husband and wife prohibits
fornication, adultery, promiscuity, homosexuality, communal living, polygamy,
and frivolous divorce. When the divine
design for marriage is spurned by enough people, degeneracy permeates society
and the nation declines.” (Freedom Through Military Victory, R.B. Thieme Jr.
2003)
Lucidly speaking, as the respect for the sanctity of God
ordained marriage wanes, the moral fiber of our social culture begins to
unravel. This explains why things
considered unacceptable by the masses a mere twenty years ago are now
commonplace.
As volition is the delegated authority in the individual,
the husband is the authority delegated by God in the marriage. Now, this fact has become quite controversial
in today’s social environment. This
Biblical truth has been misconstrued to indicate or express the superiority of
the man over the women. Some have taken
it as an attempt by man to oppress and dominate women. There are those that will insist that the
principle of male authority in the home is archaic and no longer functions in
contemporary culture; however, scripture does not support this point of
view. The truth is that all of these
misconceptions do not align with Biblical mandate.
God, in His infinite wisdom, understands the vast importance
of maintaining order, and subsequently designed a system through which order
may be sustained, as long as man is obedient to the mandates of the plan.
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as
also Christ is the head of the church, and He is the Savior of the body.”(Eph
5:22)
“IN LIKE manner, you married
women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being
secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even
if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion
but by the [godly] lives of their wives,” (1 Peter 3:1 AMP)
These are two very expressive and
revealing scriptural passages. One has to have at least a minimal understanding
of categorical bible study. Ephesians 5.22 is Paul’s command to wives to submit
and in itself bears clarity to a much misunderstood piece of scripture. In
Genesis 3:16, God addresses Eve after the fall. He tells her that her pain in
childbirth will be multiplied, but he does not stop there. He concludes with
the following statement:
“…Yet your desire will be for
your husband,
And (R)he will rule over you.” (Gen. 3:16 NASB)
And (R)he will rule over you.” (Gen. 3:16 NASB)
There are several popular
interpretations for the part of the passage, but the proper one is establish
and supported by Paul’s exhortation to wives in Ephesians 5:22.
This is what Dr. Thomas Constable
has to say about this passage of scripture:
"The 'curse' here describes
the beginning of the battle of the sexes. After the Fall, the husband no longer
rules easily; he must fight for his headship. The woman's desire is to control
her husband (to usurp his divinely appointed headship), and he must master her,
if he can. Sin had corrupted both the willing submission of the wife and the
loving headship of the husband. And so the rule of love founded in paradise is
replaced by struggle, tyranny, domination, and manipulation." (Thomas Constable, Commentary of the Bible)
If
you want to obtain a more detailed explanation of this passage I would suggest
you read the article “What is the Women’s Desire” by Susan T. Foh. She gives a
very disciplined description in this article. If you would wish, you may email
me at rpw@rickwallaceministries.com
and I will provide an in-depth anatomization of this scriptural text.
Basically,
this conflict in the home is what prompted Paul to address both, husband and
wife in Ephesians Chapter five.
Marriage is a relationship that involves mutual submission,
and though all Christians are called and exhorted to live in submission to one
another, submission is applied in a unique manner to the marriage
relationship. The wife is commanded not
simply to submit, but to submit to her husband as to the Lord. The Greek word used here is (“Hypotasso”) —
to put in subjection, subject, subordinate; in the passive, to submit, be
subject to. According to the terminology
in scripture, she is to hold him in the highest esteem and regard.
Every well-ordered society rests upon the pillars of
authority and submission. Where there is
no submission to authority, anarchy and chaos run rampant. Submission never implies inferiority;
authority doesn’t establish superiority.
Christ was submissive to God the Father, but at no time was he ever
inferior, they are both equally God.
Neither is the woman inferior to man or the wife inferior to the
husband. In fact, there are many areas
in which the wife may transcend her husband.
I am perfectly cognizant of the fact that the Biblical view
is not a popular one, nevertheless, we are not to be conformed to the world but
we should be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We should not allow the world to influence
the stances we take and the way we live our lives. We are to be the light, the focal point, and
the influence that induces a sort of transculturation.
Now if the wife is to submit to the husband, what is the
husband required to do? Luke 12:48 tells
us that he who has been entrusted with much, of him much will be required. Before we progress, allow me to bring
elucidation to the principle of partial submission. When a wife submits to her husband, she is
not submitting to the man; she is submitting to the God ordained authority
given to the man by the creator. This
delegated authority is revocable and is only active when the husband is
operating under the will of God.
Whenever a husband chooses to move opposite the will of God, his wife is
not obligated to follow his lead, she is to remain in line with the Word. This insures the authority of headship
delegated by God is not abused or used to Lord over the wife. The wife is not a slave, but a partner. I digress.
Shall we continue?
The husband, in a manner of reciprocation or even
excessiveness, is called to love his wife, just as Christ also loved the church
and gave himself for her. He is to put
aside his own interest in order to enhance hers. Beyond God, she is to be placed first; her
life above his; her needs before his.
His role is to nourish (Greek ekotrphō —to support her growth toward her
personal maturity), and to cherish (Greek thalpō —to warmly care for and attend
to). When in the perfect harmony God
intended, each partner in marriage proactively and interactively brings the
other to his or her full potential in life.
When a marriage is lived out in a mutually loving,
supportive, and loyal environment, it mirrors the love of Christ for the church
and the love the church is called to have toward Him.
Again, at the risk of being redundant, I reiterate, the
submissive woman of the Bible is far from weak.
She is the epitome of strength and spiritual fortitude. She is the heart line of the home. She is the source of favor and blessing for
her husband. Proverbs 18:22 says, “he
that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” A Godly wife is the greatest gift a man may
obtain from the Lord beyond salvation.
Thus far, we have ingested quite a bit of information, let’s
take a moment to allow our souls to digest it.
What can we ascertain from what has been taken in thus far? First and foremost, marriage is a vehicle
through which God reveals his love to a world in desperate need of a
Savior. It is not a place for one to
fulfill their selfish desires. It is a
place of giving, caring, loving and so much more. It is the opportunity to wake up each day and
glance over into the eyes of God’s most vivid portrait of His love for
you. It is the opportunity to experience
God’s divine favor as it is showered upon your home via deitious promise and
divine providence.
The question then arises: If God has established such a
lofty status for marriage, why are there so many houses and so few homes? Why is the divorce rate in excess of 50% of
all marriage in the U.S.? The answer in
its simplest form is we are not living our lives in the power of the
spirit. We have not allowed the power of
the blood to permeate through every fissure and orifice of our marriage. We have chosen to position ourselves in the
philosophical pool of popularity. We
have engaged ourselves with cosmic philosophies that promote and entice
narcissistic behavior.
Please believe me when I tell you that there is no greater,
no more of a powerful magnet of God’s blessings and favor than the union of
marriage, yet if you are in a marriage functioning outside of the will of God,
it can be the most miserable of places.
Though women are not beyond reproach, it is my position that
a vast majority of the social and spiritual issues we are confronted with today
are due to a falling away of the Christian man.
Don’t get me wrong, I could probably write volumes as to the state of
the Christian woman in today’s society, but honestly if it were not for a
nucleus of Christian women who have stood firm in the faith despite the
antinomianistic environments in which they reside, I’m afraid to think of where
we would be in this country.
I want to take time to say that when I speak of Christian
living, it is not of lethargic, luke warm Christianity. I speak of spirit filled men and women who
desire nothing more than to please the Father, to walk into their purpose, and
fulfill their destinies, I do not speak of fence straddlers, those who live
their lives as they please and yet arrogantly expect God to service their needs
and desires, with no consequence to their mutinous behavior. No, I speak of the believer who understands
that he/she is the salt of the earth and that low living is not their calling.
Are You The Man You
Think You Are?
We, as a nation, as a Christian people, have found ourselves
in a very precarious position. Single
parent households are at an all time high.
To exacerbate matters, the men that have fled these homes have defaulted
on their promissory oaths and paternal obligations. Men have, in some way, found it both, easy
and acceptable to procreate and then abandon their progeny. The very foundation of our moral integrity
and manly honor has been shaken to the very core. It would be a foolish assessment to attribute
every social issue and all of the enigmatic predicaments that confront us to
men, yet, as men; we must face the fact that our leadership is in many ways,
faulty. We have fallen short in the
function of our God ordained duties as the head. We adamantly declare our kingship, but fail
to sustain its requisites. We have too
easily become transculturated by the precepts, philosophies and principles of
the world around us. The standard by which
we are to be measured and appraised should always be the Word of God.
“But if anyone does not provide for his own and especially
for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an
unbeliever.”(1 Tim 5:8)
These are strong words by the Apostle Paul. He says failure to take care of your paternal
or filial obligations equates to a denial of the faith. He goes one step further by declaring failure
in this area places the believer in a position worse than that of an
unbeliever. This is for the simple
reason that there are unbelievers that grasp and embrace the concept of
relational responsibilities. It is easy
to see that the Christian man who fails in his responsibilities to his family,
not only places his family in a position of suffering; it brings reproach to
the faith.
When Things Go Wrong
Please understand that though I cannot condone frivolous
divorce, there are times when divorce is the best and maybe even the only
option. I’m sure that there are those
that will be critical of the aforementioned statement, however, the fact
remains that there are times when we place ourselves in situations that are
outside the scope of God’s will for our lives.
But Bishop, Christ emphatically, unequivocally, and explicitly says that
divorce is not allowed except for infidelity. Well, first of all, He did not say
infidelity; He said sexual immorality, which extends far beyond
infidelity. Yet, this is not the
issue. If we desire to use the Word to
set up loop holes in which we can operate within our own will, we are out of
line, but just as dangerous is the one who attempts to use the letter of the
law to establish, contrive, or even rebut the righteousness of himself or
others. To do so is to discount God’s
grace. The issue here is the depth of
God’s Word and the ability through the Holy Spirit to grasp or apprehend its
meaning.
Make no mistake about it; divorce was in no way God’s
intention for marriage. It is and has
always been God’s ideal that one man and one woman remain married until the
matrimonial bond is broken by death (Rom. 7:2,3).
We find in Malachi 2:16 that God hates divorce.
So then, why did God allow for divorce? Christ tells us that God, through Moses, gave
an allowance for divorce because of the hardness of man’s heart. Moses‘ law of divorce is in essence, a
concession to man’s weaknesses, and was not given to make the act of divorce
easier, on the contrary, it was given to constrain the ease in which a divorce
is obtained, in actuality, giving the wife a protection she had not enjoyed to
that point. Before the law was
constituted, the wife had very few rights of protection; the husband could
simply decide he no longer wanted his wife, with little or no provocation and
then force her out of the home.
Earlier, I made the statement that there are times divorce
becomes necessary. We know by literal
translation that sexual immorality may be used as scriptural grounds for
divorce, yet, scripture does not “mandate” divorce in the instance of
sexual immortality. Even in the area of
infidelity, if it is possible to save the marriage, it is your responsibility
to do so. The question then arises: are
there any other legitimate reasons for divorcing a life partner? Depending on what Bible scholar you confer
with, the answer may vary. Even when it
comes to the stated exception for divorce (sexual immorality), scholars are not
in absolute agreement. Some believe this
exception applies to premarital sexual immorality, some postnuptial
transgressions. Most scholars, based on
1 Cor. 7:12-16, believe that divorce is acceptable when a believing spouse is
deserted by an unbelieving spouse. This
writer concurs; in fact, I would like to take this particular passage of
scripture to make an important and extremely essential point as it pertains to
the study of scripture.
In several passages of scripture, however, Paul explicitly
says that a believer can be released from the bond of marriage if their
unbelieving spouse chooses to leave.
Does this mean that either passage (Christ’s or Paul’s
directive’s for divorce. Christ said only sexual immorality and Paul said
dessertion) is fallacious or that scripture is contradicting scripture?
Certainly not. It simply points to the
truth that the Bible is not comprehensive in scenerio; it does not address
every possible scenario on every possible issue, it addresses life in principle. The Bible points us toward the heart of God,
it reveals God and His plan for our lives and addresses issues in principle
(e.g. Matt 18:21-22). In this example,
Peter approaches Christ concerning the act of forgiveness; should a man forgive
his brother as many as seven times for personal transgressions? Jesus‘ answer was succinct, yet immensely
profound: “I do not say to you, up to
seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”(v.22) Was Christ setting the bar
at 490? Of course not, He was establishing the perpetual necessity of
forgiveness. Jesus is not applying a mathematical formula; he is implying
limitless forgiveness.
It becomes obvious through scriptural comparison that
divorce is allowed in other situations other than sexual immorality. So then, why does Jesus only mention
one? Since God is not the author of
confusion, we may safely postulate that Christ is not attempting to use
omission in an attempt to leave you in a comatic state of ambivalence. Christ is, in essence, uses sexual
immorality, due to its devastating force on all of those it touches, and its
significance in biblical times to establish a level of inclemency, volatility,
and ephemerality at which the institution of marriage becomes soluble or
irreconcilable.
So, what are the other instances in which divorce may be acceptable
to God? There is no way to present an
exhaustive list in this matter, but some of the obvious cases would be
situations in which there is physical or emotional abuse, where the long term
effect could be spiritual deficiency, emotional instability, physical injury or
even death. Any situation in which one
partner is being manipulated, dominated or oppressed in a manner that impedes
their growth, spiritually, emotionally, or intellectually. Abandonment, in the sense of emotional or
physical separation may be another situation in which divorce is warranted. A
situation in which it is determined that a spouse may be dangerous toward the
children in the home is an instance that requisites divorce. Because of God’s matchless and enduring love
for His chosen, it is never His will that we languish in any situation that is
destructive toward our spiritual growth and continuous progression toward Him
and eternity.
Because we once walked in complete carnality and even now
stumble into its arena, it is possible to enter into unions that are not
conducive to Christian growth nor do they meet God’s approval. Are we to remain in these non-efficacious
alliances? That is the question. Keep in mind that when Jesus addresses the
Pharisees concerning divorce, He is as in other instances, such as adherence to
the Sabbath, addressing the rigidity in which they interpret the law.
Please do not take away from this that I uphold spontaneous
or capricious actions that lead to avoidable and unnecessary divorce. Nevertheless, it is my stand that there are
times in which divorce is the proper course of action. At the end of the day, one must search within
and be able to reconcile their actions with God’s will for their life.
This intermittent treatise on divorce and Christianity is
not and was not meant to be discursive, but is meant to bring illumination to
some very real situations that many are facing today. What I can say as we prepare to press on is,
“God’s grace is sufficient.” God’s grace
is powerful enough to lift the burden of guilt brought on by stumbling or
falling in His will so that you may continue in this ethereal journey called
Christianity. Grace is not to be
perceived as a crutch that supports unbridled sin, but the force that rescues
us from the grave of inevitable failure.
It is grace that reveals the affinity or propinquity of God‘s love for
his chosen.
Turning Your House Into
A Home
“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man
should have to seek Him first to find her.”(Taken from: Beautiful Christian
Sister By Maya Angelou)
The preceding statement points to what I believe to be the
most influential force in determining the outcome of any marriage, the nature
of its conception. I believe the
principle injected in this quote applies to men as well as women. Let’s think about it for a moment: A person’s
heart should be so enamored and occupied with Christ that any potential mate
must first seek Him to find them.
Abiding in Christ, or as Maya so powerfully stated, being hidden in Him,
protects us not only from others, but also from ourselves. When we walk outside of Christ our judgment,
cogitative instincts, and overall rationale becomes nebulous. We simply function below par. When it comes to making the most important
decision of your life outside of where you will spend eternity; whom you will
spend the rest of your life with here on earth, you must be in a state of
lucidity. You must be in a place of
clarity that can only be found in Christ.
Furthermore, your options should be reduced to those as occupied with
Christ as you.
What is a home and how is one built? A home is that place in which you find solace
from the struggles of the day. A home is
that place where you are able to be you and yet remain secure in your
identity. A home is a place that covers
and protects you from the many forces that tend to drain you of your energy and
strength. It is the one place that
should always be a safe refuge. So, how
do we build this place of refuge? Let’s
start by inviting Christ to perpetually reside in this place of dwelling. His presence is paramount.
The Word of God clearly declares that we are to edify one
another.
“Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as
you also are doing.” (1 Thes. 5:11)
It is interestingly ironic that the word translated “edify”
is made up of two Greek words: “oikos” translated “a home” and “dimeo”, which
means, “to build”. Literally speaking,
edify means to “build a home”.
So, one of the most potent forces in building and maintaining a home is
mutual edification, the positive development of your mate’s self-esteem.
Whether its self-esteem, self-image, or self-concept, either
term is used to describe how a person sees himself, how he feels about himself
and the worth or value he places on himself.
To comprehensively address the issue of self-image or self-esteem would
require volumes, but I would like to introduce you to its importance in turning
a house into a home.
Earlier on, I made the point that marriage is not a cure all
for the emotional deficiencies and painful voids one has incurred. It is still my belief that one should be as
complete as possible before entering into marriage. The responsibilities that accompany marriage
are so massive that one must be at full strength to engage them. With that being said, no matter how well
someone seems to be put together, there are kinks in the armor, areas in which
they struggle.
Where does a person’s self-image come from? It comes from a
combination of a cluster of numerous memories, the perception or interpretation
of those memories, and the weight and value given to those memories. How was this person treated by their parents
and primary label givers, especially during those impressionable years from
self-awareness to adolescence? A label
giver is any person in a position to have a powerful enough impact to influence
how you perceive yourself. In the light
of this definition, parents are the most powerful label givers. Maybe your father was absent, planting a seed
that you were not worthy enough in some way, to require his presence. There are many other ways parents influence
the self-image of their children, both, positively and negatively.
How well did this person navigate through the middle school
and high school years? This is a time
when one’s peers possess an immensely powerful influence on their lives. Were you liked or ostracized by your
peers? How are you perceived in the work
place and how do you perceive the way you are perceived? All these situations and more influence a
person’s self-esteem.
From a very early age we begin to develop portraits,
concepts, and attitudes about ourselves as well as others. These attitudes form the lens through which
we see ourselves. This is the process in
which we are either positively or negatively influenced. Thus, we are able to see the need for spousal
edification.
Founder of “Focus on The Family, Dr. James Dobson emphasizes
the importance of building the self esteem of your spouse. Listen to what he says:
“The most successful marriages are those where both husband
and wife seek to build the self-esteem of the other. Ego needs can be met within the bonds of
marriage, and nothing contributes more to closeness and stability than to convey
for the personhood of the spouse.” (Focus On The Family, 1985)
Why is it so important to build your mates self-esteem? One very important reason is the home is the
place that the majority of us are most vulnerable. The things like work,
sports, and other activities we use to mask our deficiencies are not present in
the home. In the home, one’s ability to
perform in the work place, or on the field or court does not come into
play. It is in the home that we are
forced to face our feelings of inadequacy and areas of self-doubt.
One of the most powerful gifts we have is our ability to
encourage and empower others. Every
person needs at least one person to stand alongside them to build them up. You
are that person for your spouse.
We have all heard the saying: Behind every great man is a
great woman.” It may be his mother, or a
schoolteacher, but most likely, his wife.
Why is he great? He is great
because she is great. Why is she
great? She is great because she knows
his weaknesses, but instead of exploiting them, she strives to help him
strengthen them. She lifts him up with
encouraging words and emphasizes his strengths and capabilities. She assures him that he is necessary and that
he has a place. He functions with
confidence because he no longer feels threatened. She assures him that she loves him for who he
is and accepts him along with his imperfections. He, in turn, can function in the productive
arena of confidence. I can personally
attest to the negative impact of having had a mate that did not believe in me.
Just as a woman plays a major role in the over all success
of her husband, the same applies in the reverse. A woman reaches her full potential in
whatever capacity she functions when her husband fulfills his responsibility to
support, protect, and empower her. He provides the secure environment she
yearns in the deepest recesses of her being. He provides the covering of
protection, enhancement, and empowerment necessary for her to function
optimally. He provides her with the confidence she needs to fulfill her full
potential and reach her destiny.
The awesome rewards of building your mates self-esteem
extend beyond the confines of the marriage.
A couple with positive self-images is better equipped to rear children
and contribute to society in general.
So, I invite you to endeavor to edify your spouse. As you, each day build layer upon layer of
your mate’s confidence, you are also building the foundation to transform your
house into a home, and as you march forward, always remember that it begins and
ends with Jesus Christ.
May you be richly blessed?
Sincerely,
Bishop Rick Wallace
Founder and President
Rick Wallace Ministries
100 Men of Purpose
